Torture at Twilight

This post was meant to be put up two days ago when I saw the stupid movie. Or maybe even weeks ago when I heard Atif Aslam croon in pain unable to hit a note in yet another fresh Bollywood number. Yes, the two are not connected. But they are. They are audio and visual proof of the ridiculousness that is allowed to be aired. Yes, yes. I know freedom of expression exists in this world. Please don’t comment on this post if that’s going to be your line of argument. Because I have a horrid headache and I must write this.

What annoy me most are the hordes of appreciators of this ridiculousness which mislead fools like me into wasting their time and cortical neurons over the lack-of-awesomeness they are going gaga over. I have too many friends who are in love with Atif Aslam and the Twilight Vampire Werewolf Stupid Human Girl series that are not going to agree much with me, but oh well.

Alright so firstly, how has it escaped everyone’s notice that Robert Pattinson as (in my opinion, of course) the totally inadequate, inept, useless, morose, pale-faced, red-lipped, crimson-eyed, stiff-haired, malnourished “vampire” Edward Cullen is inexcusably ugly? I cringed every time he came on screen with his mind-boggling ability to not deviate even the slightest from what is singularly the most constipated expression I have seen on an actor. I suddenly have a whole blogpost to write complimenting Shah Rukh Khan’s stupendous acting skills after watching this 23-year-old skeleton.

I read on Wikipedia that Kristen Stewart “captivated” the director Catherine Hardwicke in an informal screen test for this movie. Lovely! But pray tell me. How? They specifically required an expressionless 19-year old dim-wit for the role of Bella Swan? And who came up with such an idiotic character anyway? She’s in love with the aforementioned vampire who thinks she is safer without him and therefore leaves her. But she is so badly love-struck that she insists on running around in a jungle at night screaming after him, when she herself admitted that vampires are too fast. When disallowed to faint in the forest, she sits in a chair watching the seasons go by, writing emails to Pale Vampire’s sister Alice (whose correct email address she does not have). Then she makes the delightful discovery that every time she is in danger, a blur of the Pale Face Ugliness appears beside her to warn her. So she decides to (repeatedly, mind you, without showing any signs of simple learning that even rats in neurological tests demonstrate) put her life at risk – be it befriending stranger motorcyclists or jumping off cliffs into the ocean to meet a red-haired blood-thirsty villainous vampire – just so that her beloved would appear in an evaporating form beside her to say stop or turn back or don’t in a rotten hoarse voice. Going to school, attending classes, being normal, are of course all out of question by now.

Then there are the two sane characters in the plot – Charlie, her father and Jake, her… erm friend... no… boyfriend… no… safety net. Yes, safety net. Her father she successfully torments by screaming in her sleep every night and being generally zombie-ish and sending him off to hunt for bears which she knows are actually werewolves just so that she is alone at home again and her best friend – danger – can come scare us all. And Jake. Oh well. He has his own problems. He’s a werewolf with a smokin’ hot body and an ugly nose. And he’s in love with this stupid human Bella who clings to him and tells him she loves him and asks him to never leave her, all the while finding ways to get back with vampire Pale Face, whom the werewolf would honestly like to kill. What’s more, Bella wants to become a vampire too so that all their troubles may end (and ours too quite frankly, maybe they’ll stop making these movies then).

How does this endlessly tortuous movie end? Rather frustratingly, may I warn you. Red-lipped Pale Face is walking around in the towers of some Italian castle wearing a torn shirt (as a sign of poverty?). He has visions of Bella. Incomplete ones that too. One of them convinces him that she is dead. So then why should he live? But sadly he is immortal (all vampires are). How can he kill himself, then? By showing himself to the humans so that the Vampire Bosses kill him for breaking The Rules. But Bella appears there just in the nick of time to say she’s alive to which Pale-y says in the most tear-inducing way Bella, you’re here, you’re alive. Touching. Vampire Bosses are displeased. There is a human amongst us! Kill her. Not so fast, Oily Head. You have two more sequels to go. So they decide she’s special. No amount of mind-reading and pain-inflicting works on her, while Pale Face Hero is screaming all over the place, writhing in pain, shattering and healing. But Bella (or is it Isabella) is unharmed. Make her a vampire at the earliest! Not so fast, Oily Head, I told you we have two more sequels. And we also forgot a werewolf behind.

Make me a vampire, Edward.

No, Bella.

You will not like me when I look old.

I will always love you, Bella. Audience sniffs.

I want you to make me immortal and no one else. Woman, wait! There are more movies for that!

And don’t forget your werewolf.

I love you Jake, but he’s always been the one. Now she tells us.

Thank you for looking after her, Jake.

It was not for your benefit.

Still.

Werewolf loses temper and departs.

Make me a vampire, Edward.

No, Bella. Audience looks at their watches.

Please, Edward.

On one condition, Bella. If you marry me.

Blank screen.

Credits.

Aaargh.

Whatever happened to wonderful fantasy movies like Batman, wonderful imaginary worlds like those of Harry Potter and singers wonderfully on the note like Mohd. Rafi?